Surviving Parental Loss

Today marks 24 years since the death of my mom. Admittedly the death of a parent is inevitable, but losing my mom at only 20 was very hard. To lose her three days after my 20th birthday was harder. To lose her just eight months after the death of my step-mother was devastating. I was ill-prepared for  life without a maternal figure in it.

This isn't the story of how my mom died, maybe I'll re-write that story someday, rather this is more how her loss has effected me all these years and how I've come to live with such an enormous hole in my life.

People ask me how long does it take to get over the loss of a parent. Honest answer is you don't. Not ever. You learn to cope as best you can for the rest of your life. Some days are better than others. Some days are so hard you can barely breathe from the ache in your heart. A friend once snapped at me for not being over the loss of my mom and I informed him that until it happens to you, you'll never understand how difficult that is. Mother's Day is the hardest day of all for me. As friends and extended family celebrate the day with their moms, I am constantly reminded of her absence. Well meaning people ask what I did for my mom and I swallow back the pain, blink away the tears and inform them she's deceased. I can see their discomfort and embarrassment and I usually end up consoling them for their blunder. 

Sometimes I cannot remember my mom's face. Those days are deeply sad and frustrating. I go and look at the only two photos I have of her and try to memorize every line on her face, the deep green of her eyes, the smoothness of her brown hair. I stare until I can burn it into my memory and can picture some of the few happy times with her from my childhood. 

At the time of her death I was not close to my mom. In fact I hadn't seen her in a decade. She had lost a heartbreaking custody battle where she admitted she was not in a good place mentally to raise her four children. I last saw her when I was just 10 just after she re-married but before she moved to Florida. I would never see her again. The woman who raised me most of my formative years had not made my life easy and I had always held onto hope that someday I would see my mom again. That she would want me to come live with her. In all those years my only contact was a card on my birthday and Christmas signed "Love, Mom" with no other message and no return address just a postmark from Tampa, Florida. I would later learn she had contacted all of my schools and had kept track of me through report cards and yearbooks they would send her. She even went so far as to contact my high school when I was a sophomore to request them to talk to me when my grades started slipping. I was suicidal and deeply depressed at the time and had lost all the love and interest I had once had as an honor roll student. Her intervention resulted in my being assigned a therapist who came in once a week to counsel me. It was because of this I was able to share my grief and graduate on time. I was always thankful to her for doing that though I never got a chance to tell her. 

Someone once was telling me about their mom coming to visit and the anxiety they felt about it. My only thought was yeah but you get to spend time with her, something I'll never get to do again. I would trade all the days remaining in my life for one more day, one more hour, one more minute with my mom. To say all the things that were left unsaid between us.

I often wonder what my life would be like if my mom were alive today. Would she be proud of me? Would she fuss over me? Would she console me and comfort me after another failed relationship? Would she have cried everyday while I battled cancer or cheered loudly when I graduated college? Would she be happy for me the way my life is right now? These are the questions left unanswered and will remained unanswered the rest of my life.

For now I learn to cope by filling my life with lots of love. My nieces and nephews fill my heart with so much joy. Their laughter and smiles always brighten even my darkest days. I share my generosity, love and compassion with all the people who are close to me. I love unconditionally and will always go above and beyond to bring joy and happiness into the lives of the people I care about. My mom was a sad but gentle loving woman and each day I strive to live a life filled with love and joy to honor her memory. I hope each day I make her proud.