Random Thoughts

In the past two weeks American fashion designer Kate Spade and world traveler and chef Anthony Bourdain committed suicide. As people scramble for answers and try to understand why such seemingly happy people would choose to end their lives, a deeper overwhelming theme has once again bubbled to the surface, the state of mental health care around the world. Mental health unfortunately is still an extremely touchy subject. I have written extensively about my own battles with depression, anxiety and suicide attempts . I have been open about my mother's battle with bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder and her eventual suicide. People consider talking about mental issues to either be brave or stupid. Dealing with mental health gets you labeled as "crazy." Suicide is seen as a last selfish act. These labels keep many people from being open about their struggles with emotional and mental health. More than 300 million people suffer from depression world wide. It is...

In 2011 while undergoing chemotherapy a friend introduced me to edibles as a form of medication as a treatment to the side effects. The edibles, marijuana infused baked goods, helped to alleviate the symptoms brought on by the chemo. The vomiting, diarrhea, nausea, pain, loss of appetite and insomnia all stopped within 20 minutes of taking it. Not even the OxyContin or Percocet that had been prescribed had the same effect that one cookie did. It was a miracle. Fast forward to today and while I am many years removed from chemotherapy, I suffer from crippling migraines and coughing fits that frequently leave my lungs sore from the radiation induced pulmonary fibrosis incurred while being treated for cancer. Add to this my insomnia, bouts of clinical depression and social anxiety disorder and it's a wonder I can function as a regular person most days. Prescription medications have adverse and often troubling side effects from muscle pain, trembling hands, dizziness, drowsiness and n...

Abandoned child syndrome is described as " a behavioral or psychological condition that results primarily from the loss of one or both  parents , or sexual abuse. Abandonment may be   physical   (the parent is not present in the child's life) or   emotional   (the parent withholds affection, nurturing, or stimulation)." For a child, it isn't something that can be understood and as an adult it isn't something easily explained.  By most outward appearances I'm pretty normal. I'm good at smiling, laughing, telling self deprecating jokes and being easy for most people to talk to. I'm not mean but I'm painfully shy, introverted and do not make friends easily as it takes me awhile to warm up to people. At work I prefer jobs and shifts where I can be left alone so I don't have to interact with people. Socially I don't like to hang out and get anxious and nervous in public settings and around new people. I have few friends, but the ones I do hav...

A mistrial was declared on Saturday in the sexual misconduct allegations against Bill Cosby. There is a very divided and mix reaction to the verdict. Some see this as a victory for an African American man wrongly accused by vicious and vindictive women out to destroy the character of a well respected actor, comedian and activist. Others see this as a sign that money can influence the outcome of any situation. Personally, I do not know how to feel. Maybe because I've read his previous testimony. Maybe because I've read the accounts from several of the accusers. Maybe because I've been in a similar situation and know what it's like. When I was 17 I had a friend whose brother was friend's with a well known DJ from NY. This DJ had been out on tour around the world with his cousin who was a popular rapper at the time. My friend asked me if I wanted to meet the DJ and I said sure. One summer day him and my friend and her brother showed up to my apartment building. I spo...

Even as I'm writing this, I hesitate to write it. It is not one of those things I like to talk about and not many if any people even know about it. But a part of me realizes it is a story that must be told if not for myself, than maybe to help someone else. Growing up I had a difficult childhood. Though there are bits and pieces of fleeting happy memories, most of my childhood is a blur of misery and heartache. I know abuse, neglect, hunger, thirst, filth, sadness and despair at levels even many adults couldn't endure. These are sadly some of my earliest memories. My parents separated which made things much worse and shortly after I would go live with my father  and they would divorce. Life with my father did not improve my circumstances any. My father left all the parenting to my step-mother, a woman who had never had children of her own and had her own demons. To say she didn't make my life easy is to understate just how bad my home life was. I was miserable and lonely....

Dear 18 year old Alice, I know you're on top of the world now. You graduated high school (on time at that which no one thought so good for you) and you have a well paying job at the police department. Best of all you have your own apartment at just 18! Life is really good at the moment. Yes I know we went through some really rough times growing up, but it is nothing compared to these next stages you will endure. Life is about to change in ways you aren't ready for. I wish I could prevent some of them from happening, but alas I cannot. So I will do my best here to prepare you for the road ahead.  First off she may seem mean and fiery as ever but in reality our step mother is dying. She hasn't told anyone just yet and you won't learn for a few more months yet just how bad it really is. She'll put up a fight for about a year and then she'll die. Your world will fall apart at this point. Everyone and everything in your life now will be gone. You will have un...