Abandoned child syndrome as an adult
Abandoned child syndrome is described as "a behavioral or psychological condition that results primarily from the loss of one or both parents, or sexual abuse. Abandonment may be physical (the parent is not present in the child's life) or emotional (the parent withholds affection, nurturing, or stimulation)." For a child, it isn't something that can be understood and as an adult it isn't something easily explained.
By most outward appearances I'm pretty normal. I'm good at smiling, laughing, telling self deprecating jokes and being easy for most people to talk to. I'm not mean but I'm painfully shy, introverted and do not make friends easily as it takes me awhile to warm up to people. At work I prefer jobs and shifts where I can be left alone so I don't have to interact with people. Socially I don't like to hang out and get anxious and nervous in public settings and around new people. I have few friends, but the ones I do have are very precious to me.
I'm not close to my family. Not just geographically but also emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, but a part of me cannot connect with them the way a family should. Something in the bond is very broken and nothing through the years has been able to mend it. This is where the abandoned child syndrome kicks in.
There are fleeting images of happy moments from my earliest childhood but these images are intermingled with a lot of painful ones as well. As a very little girl I was afraid of my dad who was, at that time, a violent, angry, abusive drunk. Though I was seen as a daddy's girl, I was actually terrified of the man. Thankfully he stayed gone a lot so I didn't have to deal with him all the time. I was very close and attached to my mother who was fragile, gentle, sweet and loving. All the things I wished my dad was. However, my mom was also bipolar and suffered from dissociative identity disorder that sometimes manifested itself in disappearing episodes that often left us children vulnerable. I was both physically abused and molested by neighbors who seemed indifferent or ignorant to our home plight. The violence in my home continued to escalate over the years until finally my dad left home. This seemed to exacerbate my mother's mental health. This spiraled out of control for over a year leading to some horrific neglect and abuse conditions before my father finally stepped in to take control. We were removed from the home we shared with our mom and moved in with my dad and his then girlfriend who later became my step-mother in their one bedroom apartment where we slept on the living room floor. Before being awarded custody, my dad's girlfriend asked if we wanted to stay with our dad or go home to our mom. Despite everything that had happened, I wanted to go home to my mom. I wasn't close to my dad. I didn't feel any connection to him and I loved my mom very much and didn't want to leave her. I was told that my brothers and sister wanted to stay with my dad (years later learning this was a lie) and that I should stay together with them. After much coercion I was convinced to stay with my dad and siblings. This was part of the argument in court for giving custody to my dad though we were not allowed to attend or testify on our behalves. The court awarded custody to my dad and my mom agreed to step out of our lives so we could be raised properly in a two-parent home.
I would see my mom only a few more times after that. We weren't allowed to stay overnight, but we'd spend the whole day with her. She would laugh and joke with us. I told her I loved her and missed her. I didn't tell her my life at home was already getting bad but just that I wished I could stay with her longer. She would just hug me and tell me she loved me. She met a man during this time and got married. After about a year she and her husband decided to move to Florida. She came to say goodbye and promised to keep in touch. However, despite the birthday and Christmas card every year, I would never see her again. This was a tremendous loss to my life. I didn't understand why she had left. There was no return address on our envelopes and no phone number to reach her. She was gone and the loss hit me harder than I could even comprehend at the time.
My home life did not improve once my mother was gone. In fact the opposite seemed to happen. Though my father was home he had detached himself from any of the parenting. Though I'd try to go to him, he'd always defer to my step-mother who was an angry, vindictive person. Beyond stern parenting, she was often emotionally and verbally abusive to me. The affection, nurturing and stimulation I needed I didn't get at home which left me even more sad and alone. I withdrew from the world and prayed to go home to my mom and a utopian life that had never really existed. This further grew my abandoned child syndrome symptoms and my ability to form attachments to people. This continued throughout childhood and into my adult life where both my step-mother and mother would die eight months apart only deepening my feelings of abandonment.
Today I still cope with those same lingering issues. People with abandoned child syndrome suffer many symptoms that people often misunderstand or cannot tolerate. According to Wikipedia: "Symptoms may be physical or mental, and may extend into adulthood and often throughout a person's life. They include:
Abandoned child syndrome is not recognized as a true mental disorder so treatment for it is often very difficult. Over the years I have tried traditional therapy, group therapy, hypnotherapy and reiki healing as well as taking antidepressants and supplements all to limited effectiveness. I am still hopeful that I will find the form of treatment that will allow me to live a more positive life but for now I continue this battle the best I can each day and pray those I care for will not give up on me and will continue this journey with me.
By most outward appearances I'm pretty normal. I'm good at smiling, laughing, telling self deprecating jokes and being easy for most people to talk to. I'm not mean but I'm painfully shy, introverted and do not make friends easily as it takes me awhile to warm up to people. At work I prefer jobs and shifts where I can be left alone so I don't have to interact with people. Socially I don't like to hang out and get anxious and nervous in public settings and around new people. I have few friends, but the ones I do have are very precious to me.
I'm not close to my family. Not just geographically but also emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much, but a part of me cannot connect with them the way a family should. Something in the bond is very broken and nothing through the years has been able to mend it. This is where the abandoned child syndrome kicks in.
There are fleeting images of happy moments from my earliest childhood but these images are intermingled with a lot of painful ones as well. As a very little girl I was afraid of my dad who was, at that time, a violent, angry, abusive drunk. Though I was seen as a daddy's girl, I was actually terrified of the man. Thankfully he stayed gone a lot so I didn't have to deal with him all the time. I was very close and attached to my mother who was fragile, gentle, sweet and loving. All the things I wished my dad was. However, my mom was also bipolar and suffered from dissociative identity disorder that sometimes manifested itself in disappearing episodes that often left us children vulnerable. I was both physically abused and molested by neighbors who seemed indifferent or ignorant to our home plight. The violence in my home continued to escalate over the years until finally my dad left home. This seemed to exacerbate my mother's mental health. This spiraled out of control for over a year leading to some horrific neglect and abuse conditions before my father finally stepped in to take control. We were removed from the home we shared with our mom and moved in with my dad and his then girlfriend who later became my step-mother in their one bedroom apartment where we slept on the living room floor. Before being awarded custody, my dad's girlfriend asked if we wanted to stay with our dad or go home to our mom. Despite everything that had happened, I wanted to go home to my mom. I wasn't close to my dad. I didn't feel any connection to him and I loved my mom very much and didn't want to leave her. I was told that my brothers and sister wanted to stay with my dad (years later learning this was a lie) and that I should stay together with them. After much coercion I was convinced to stay with my dad and siblings. This was part of the argument in court for giving custody to my dad though we were not allowed to attend or testify on our behalves. The court awarded custody to my dad and my mom agreed to step out of our lives so we could be raised properly in a two-parent home.
I would see my mom only a few more times after that. We weren't allowed to stay overnight, but we'd spend the whole day with her. She would laugh and joke with us. I told her I loved her and missed her. I didn't tell her my life at home was already getting bad but just that I wished I could stay with her longer. She would just hug me and tell me she loved me. She met a man during this time and got married. After about a year she and her husband decided to move to Florida. She came to say goodbye and promised to keep in touch. However, despite the birthday and Christmas card every year, I would never see her again. This was a tremendous loss to my life. I didn't understand why she had left. There was no return address on our envelopes and no phone number to reach her. She was gone and the loss hit me harder than I could even comprehend at the time.
My home life did not improve once my mother was gone. In fact the opposite seemed to happen. Though my father was home he had detached himself from any of the parenting. Though I'd try to go to him, he'd always defer to my step-mother who was an angry, vindictive person. Beyond stern parenting, she was often emotionally and verbally abusive to me. The affection, nurturing and stimulation I needed I didn't get at home which left me even more sad and alone. I withdrew from the world and prayed to go home to my mom and a utopian life that had never really existed. This further grew my abandoned child syndrome symptoms and my ability to form attachments to people. This continued throughout childhood and into my adult life where both my step-mother and mother would die eight months apart only deepening my feelings of abandonment.
Today I still cope with those same lingering issues. People with abandoned child syndrome suffer many symptoms that people often misunderstand or cannot tolerate. According to Wikipedia: "Symptoms may be physical or mental, and may extend into adulthood and often throughout a person's life. They include:
- Alienation from the environment - withdrawal from social activities, resistance towards others." (I do not like to be in social settings and will often avoid any situation where I need to be in public).
- "Guilt - the child believes that he/she did something wrong that caused the abandonment (often associated with depression)." (I often wonder had I insisted on going back home to live with my mom would things have turned out different and feel a deep shame that I didn't fight harder for it).
- "Fear and uncertainty - "clinginess", insecurities." (I am very insecure and fear losing my friends more than anything. I'm also notorious for pushing my friends away because of that fear).
- "Sleep and eating disorders - malnutrition, starvation, disturbed sleep, nightmares." (I have suffered from insomnia nearly my entire life. It ranges from broken sleep to outright sleeplessness. I frequently have vivid nightmares that only make this issue worse. I am on a perpetual diet and often forget to eat for hours or nearly an entire day).
- "Physical ailments - fatigue, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, lack of energy and creativity, anger, grief." (I am often physically and emotionally exhausted though I chalk this up to working an early shift though it doesn't explain the frequency. I have severe social anxiety and get overwhelmed easily in public settings. I have battled clinical depression most of my life and suffer bouts of extreme inconsolable grief. This leaves me stunted sometimes and unable to write).
Abandoned child syndrome is not recognized as a true mental disorder so treatment for it is often very difficult. Over the years I have tried traditional therapy, group therapy, hypnotherapy and reiki healing as well as taking antidepressants and supplements all to limited effectiveness. I am still hopeful that I will find the form of treatment that will allow me to live a more positive life but for now I continue this battle the best I can each day and pray those I care for will not give up on me and will continue this journey with me.
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