Random Thoughts

Abandoned child syndrome is described as " a behavioral or psychological condition that results primarily from the loss of one or both  parents , or sexual abuse. Abandonment may be   physical   (the parent is not present in the child's life) or   emotional   (the parent withholds affection, nurturing, or stimulation)." For a child, it isn't something that can be understood and as an adult it isn't something easily explained.  By most outward appearances I'm pretty normal. I'm good at smiling, laughing, telling self deprecating jokes and being easy for most people to talk to. I'm not mean but I'm painfully shy, introverted and do not make friends easily as it takes me awhile to warm up to people. At work I prefer jobs and shifts where I can be left alone so I don't have to interact with people. Socially I don't like to hang out and get anxious and nervous in public settings and around new people. I have few friends, but the ones I do hav...

A mistrial was declared on Saturday in the sexual misconduct allegations against Bill Cosby. There is a very divided and mix reaction to the verdict. Some see this as a victory for an African American man wrongly accused by vicious and vindictive women out to destroy the character of a well respected actor, comedian and activist. Others see this as a sign that money can influence the outcome of any situation. Personally, I do not know how to feel. Maybe because I've read his previous testimony. Maybe because I've read the accounts from several of the accusers. Maybe because I've been in a similar situation and know what it's like. When I was 17 I had a friend whose brother was friend's with a well known DJ from NY. This DJ had been out on tour around the world with his cousin who was a popular rapper at the time. My friend asked me if I wanted to meet the DJ and I said sure. One summer day him and my friend and her brother showed up to my apartment building. I spo...

Even as I'm writing this, I hesitate to write it. It is not one of those things I like to talk about and not many if any people even know about it. But a part of me realizes it is a story that must be told if not for myself, than maybe to help someone else. Growing up I had a difficult childhood. Though there are bits and pieces of fleeting happy memories, most of my childhood is a blur of misery and heartache. I know abuse, neglect, hunger, thirst, filth, sadness and despair at levels even many adults couldn't endure. These are sadly some of my earliest memories. My parents separated which made things much worse and shortly after I would go live with my father  and they would divorce. Life with my father did not improve my circumstances any. My father left all the parenting to my step-mother, a woman who had never had children of her own and had her own demons. To say she didn't make my life easy is to understate just how bad my home life was. I was miserable and lonely....

Dear 18 year old Alice, I know you're on top of the world now. You graduated high school (on time at that which no one thought so good for you) and you have a well paying job at the police department. Best of all you have your own apartment at just 18! Life is really good at the moment. Yes I know we went through some really rough times growing up, but it is nothing compared to these next stages you will endure. Life is about to change in ways you aren't ready for. I wish I could prevent some of them from happening, but alas I cannot. So I will do my best here to prepare you for the road ahead.  First off she may seem mean and fiery as ever but in reality our step mother is dying. She hasn't told anyone just yet and you won't learn for a few more months yet just how bad it really is. She'll put up a fight for about a year and then she'll die. Your world will fall apart at this point. Everyone and everything in your life now will be gone. You will have un...

What can I tell you about him that maybe hasn't been said in some cheesy song. How can I describe him without sounding like I'm gushing over him like some giddy school girl. He is sweet but aloof. Funny but introverted. Caring but deeply shy and private. At times he both fascinates and frustrates me. Maybe that's part of my attraction to him. Trying to dig away the layers to find the beauty hidden within.  We are nothing but something. Something truly beautiful and magical. Something out of a twisted fairytale that has so many unexpected turns. He makes me feel like a princess and like a lonely child trying to desperately to reach her lost toy all in one.  He thinks he takes advantage of me when I do nice things for him and yet he doesn't know I could never repay him for all the things he's done for me. He's changed my life in so many good and positive ways.  Here in this city I dreamed to live in I felt alone but going home was never an option. ...

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America social anxiety disorder is defined as  "the extreme fear of being scrutinized and judged by others in social or performance situations.  Symptoms may be so extreme that they disrupt daily life. People with this disorder, also called social phobia, may have few or no social or romantic relationships, making them feel powerless, alone, or even ashamed." I have always been a shy and introverted person, but the social anxiety started sometime around age 8. After my parents divorced and I went to live with my dad, I went from a long haired talented and gifted student to a short haired girl (via an unwelcome hair cut) my new school system was trying to put back one grade. I had lost all my friends, my own bedroom and my mom in one fell swoop. Being shy made it difficult to make new friends and with my new school trying to put me back a grade I felt stupid, scared and alone. So began my lifelong battle with social anx...

As a sufferer of severe migraines and insomnia I am an advocate for cannabis. However, being afflicted with pulmonary fibrosis, I am unable to inhale smoke into my lungs. Therefore, I must indulge in the only other reasonable ways, through edibles and tinctures. Unfortunately consuming it this way makes it more difficult to figure out exactly how much to consume or when I have overindulged. This occasionally leads to being higher than I anticipated. Now the good thing with cannabis is that you won't die from overconsumption, but you will often become fuzzy, paranoid, sleepy and lightheaded. The resulting feelings make for interesting and often comical (in hindsight mind you) stories. This is the first of one of those stories. A male entertainer friend of mine had come to town to visit and asked if I would come out to see his show. I asked my roommate if she would like to come with me and she said yes. At the time I had only been in Los Angeles a few months and didn't know a...

As a lively discussion about the NFL emerged on Facebook between myself and a friend, another party jumped into the conversation. I was quick to continue the point I was making which elicited the following response: Wow a female that knows sports rare ❤️😍🌹😊 Sigh. I pointed out that not only do I know football but I actually work for the NFL. A job I acquired partially for my knowledge of the NFL. My friend was quick to vouch for me and the guy was quick to take his word for my football acumen. The fact that my friend had to vouch for me at all is still very frustrating to me. I have been following the NFL all of my life. Some of my first memories are of watching football on tv. I have been blogging about the NFL since 2009. My college degree is in sports journalism. And as I previously stated, I work for the NFL. Football is not just something I casually observe it is a passion. Despise my extensive knowledge and background, I am constantly having to prove myself as a legiti...

Today marks 24 years since the death of my mom. Admittedly the death of a parent is inevitable, but losing my mom at only 20 was very hard. To lose her three days after my 20th birthday was harder. To lose her just eight months after the death of my step-mother was devastating. I was ill-prepared for  life without a maternal figure in it. This isn't the story of how my mom died, maybe I'll re-write that story someday, rather this is more how her loss has effected me all these years and how I've come to live with such an enormous hole in my life. People ask me how long does it take to get over the loss of a parent. Honest answer is you don't. Not ever. You learn to cope as best you can for the rest of your life. Some days are better than others. Some days are so hard you can barely breathe from the ache in your heart. A friend once snapped at me for not being over the loss of my mom and I informed him that until it happens to you, you'll never understand how d...

I sat on the edge of the exam table with my feet dangling towards the floor. From the waist up I was topless minus a paper gown that was open in the front. The air conditioning was on full blast which seemed odd for an early January day. I was freezing cold and nervous as I waited for my doctor to come in the room. How did I get here? Flashback to July of the previous year. I suddenly developed an excruciating pain in my right breast. A pulsing unbearable pain that no amount of painkillers would make go away. I couldn't sleep and spent weeks popping six to eight ibuprofen and eight acetaminophen per day and massaging my breast all day and night trying to get the pain to stop. Finally the pain stopped and that's when I began to notice the lump. It was small at first, maybe the size of a nickel but I wasn't sure what it was. Common sense would say to have it checked out, but I didn't want to over react to something that could be as simple as breast tissue breaking down ...

I have spent my life trying to live a life definitively as a biracial woman in a society so determined to force people into categories and boxes. If I choose to live as one race, am I not, in fact, denying the existence of the other? It is a conundrum I have never fully been able to resolve. That being said, there is one place where my race has never been an issue, and that is interacting with covert racists. Overt racism is easy to know. It's in blatant symbols of oppression and derogatory language. I learned early on to avoid these kind of situations and people. However, covert racism is harder to avoid. It is not obvious and sometimes people don't seem to realize their subtle prejudices and racist beliefs. When I was 15 I worked at a mall food stand. One of my white co-workers asked me to go with her to the CD store. We walked in together and immediately she headed off in the opposite direction from me. I started walking through aisles and browsing different genres of mu...

On Saturday I went to see the movie "Get Out." The movie has received rave reviews and after viewing it, I understand the hype. The movie takes a deep look into the part race plays in a so-called post racial society. While I found the reveal of the actual horror element to be shocking and cringe inducing, it is the racial elements that had a heavier impact on me. Even four days later I cannot shake some of the feelings the movie brought up in me. While there were many scenes I had a hard time reconciling, the scene where Chris is being interrogated by the members of the Armitage family's community was the most unnerving for me. The constant barrage of intrusive and sometimes embarrassing questions along with unneccessary commentary about their favorite African Americans was enough to make me feel uneasy and sick.  I have been the focus of one of these intrusive interrogations, but as a biracial woman, I find these questions coming from both the white and the b...