Confessions of a sexual assault survivor
A mistrial was declared on Saturday in the sexual misconduct allegations against Bill Cosby. There is a very divided and mix reaction to the verdict. Some see this as a victory for an African American man wrongly accused by vicious and vindictive women out to destroy the character of a well respected actor, comedian and activist. Others see this as a sign that money can influence the outcome of any situation. Personally, I do not know how to feel. Maybe because I've read his previous testimony. Maybe because I've read the accounts from several of the accusers. Maybe because I've been in a similar situation and know what it's like.
When I was 17 I had a friend whose brother was friend's with a well known DJ from NY. This DJ had been out on tour around the world with his cousin who was a popular rapper at the time. My friend asked me if I wanted to meet the DJ and I said sure. One summer day him and my friend and her brother showed up to my apartment building. I spoke briefly with the DJ and he asked if he could talk to me privately in the stairwell. I hesitated for a second but I walked with him into the stairwell and we stood there talking. He seemed genuinely interested in me and I thought he was cute and very charming. Suddenly he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall and kissed me. It was rough and caught me off guard. I stood there shaking for a minute. He smiled and asked if he'd see me next time he came to town. I nodded and he walked away. My friend asked if everything was ok. I told her yes we just talked and he kissed me that was it. She seemed excited for me. In the pit of my stomach I wasn't so sure.
At the start of the school year in September the DJ came back to town to visit my friend's brother. One day while I was at my friend's place he called on the phone and she told him I was there. He asked for me to come over and see him. I asked my friend if she would go with me and she said no she had to stay, but it was ok, dude was cool. Something was nagging at me telling me not to go but my friend reassured me the guy was nice and he really did want to see me. I finally agreed and I left her apartment to walk over to her brother's. The two buildings were close together but I walked as slow as possible trying to gather up the nerve to go. I had a bad feeling a premonition something was very wrong but I kept thinking of my friend's words and tried to calm down. I knocked on the door and he answered. He looked calm but slightly agitated by how long I had took. I apologized as I came in the door. He grabbed me again roughly like he had the previous time but this time there was no playfulness to it. His eyes darkened and I no longer felt like I was in the presence of someone friendly. I was genuinely scared. He grabbed at me tore at me ripped at my clothes. I was in shock and fear I gave feeble attempts at fighting back but he was bigger and stronger than me and I was so scared of what he was going to do to me. At some point my friend called on the phone. He answered and gave me a menacing look warning me to keep quiet. He told my friend I had left a long time ago and he didn't know where I had gone. He hung up the phone and told me "Now no one knows you're here. I could do anything I want, I could even kill you and no one would know how to find you." I was shaking badly terrified more than I'd ever been in my life. He got me partially undressed and attempted to sodomize me. I screamed in pain and began sobbing which only seemed to fuel him. He left the room to find something. When he came back I was still there shaking and crying scared to move. He told me to get dressed and get out. Before I left he jammed his hand into me and told me if I said anything to anyone no one would believe me so just keep my mouth shut. I ran home crying the whole way. I showered trying to remove the stain of what had happened from me. It was my fault. It was my own fault. I felt shame, fear, disgust, hatred of myself for being so stupid.
The next day at school my friend came and found me and asked me what happened. His words of warning echoed in my head. I tried to speak but words wouldn't come. I shook my head at her. She kept asking and I could feel my resolve breaking. What could I tell her? I was ashamed I was scared. Finally as we reached class I broke. I told her what happened. She looked at me stunned. I started crying nonstop. She dragged me out of class and to the principal's office. She told them what I had told her and they called the police. An officer came and took a statement. She told me I would have to go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. The school called my parents who showed up to support me. I didn't feel good. I was in pain both physically and mentally.
I cannot describe to you the pain and humiliation of a rape test kit. Of having your scalp and pubic hairs pulled out. Of various swabs and hearing "rectal trauma." They took my clothes from the previous day. All of it felt surreal, like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Everything from here on out happened in a whirlwind. The DJ of course denied the allegations saying I was a gold digger out for money and to ruin his reputation. My friend's brother said he was going to ask around the entire school and find every boy I had ever slept with to prove I was a slut. My friend faced with her family siding with the DJ, turned against me. At home my dad couldn't look at me and wouldn't speak to me. My step-mother claimed the police told her I had made the story up and I was a lying manipulative bitch. To make matters worse the state's attorney's office refused to prosecute saying that since I didn't leave when he left the room the rape was essentially my fault. Never had I felt more pain, despair, disgust and humiliation. Only my rape counselor believed me but my step-mother refused to take me to sessions. It made me feel like had I just kept silent none of the misery I endured would've happened. The messed up thing was this man who had violated me was allowed to keep his reputation and his career while I was slut shamed made to feel like a lying whore out for money. After all this I sank into a deep depression that only years and years of therapy could undo.
So while others may celebrate the vindication of an innocent man, I cannot bring myself to be happy about this outcome. I've been the victim on the receiving end of the slut shaming and had my entire sexual history used against me. I know what it's like to not be believed and in the face of someone with power and money made out to be a fame and money seeking opportunist. Until you've been there you cannot know what it's like. You cannot know why keeping silent or coming forward will be met in the same terrible spirit crushing way. It's the burden and scar every rape survivor carries for life.
When I was 17 I had a friend whose brother was friend's with a well known DJ from NY. This DJ had been out on tour around the world with his cousin who was a popular rapper at the time. My friend asked me if I wanted to meet the DJ and I said sure. One summer day him and my friend and her brother showed up to my apartment building. I spoke briefly with the DJ and he asked if he could talk to me privately in the stairwell. I hesitated for a second but I walked with him into the stairwell and we stood there talking. He seemed genuinely interested in me and I thought he was cute and very charming. Suddenly he grabbed me, pushed me against the wall and kissed me. It was rough and caught me off guard. I stood there shaking for a minute. He smiled and asked if he'd see me next time he came to town. I nodded and he walked away. My friend asked if everything was ok. I told her yes we just talked and he kissed me that was it. She seemed excited for me. In the pit of my stomach I wasn't so sure.
At the start of the school year in September the DJ came back to town to visit my friend's brother. One day while I was at my friend's place he called on the phone and she told him I was there. He asked for me to come over and see him. I asked my friend if she would go with me and she said no she had to stay, but it was ok, dude was cool. Something was nagging at me telling me not to go but my friend reassured me the guy was nice and he really did want to see me. I finally agreed and I left her apartment to walk over to her brother's. The two buildings were close together but I walked as slow as possible trying to gather up the nerve to go. I had a bad feeling a premonition something was very wrong but I kept thinking of my friend's words and tried to calm down. I knocked on the door and he answered. He looked calm but slightly agitated by how long I had took. I apologized as I came in the door. He grabbed me again roughly like he had the previous time but this time there was no playfulness to it. His eyes darkened and I no longer felt like I was in the presence of someone friendly. I was genuinely scared. He grabbed at me tore at me ripped at my clothes. I was in shock and fear I gave feeble attempts at fighting back but he was bigger and stronger than me and I was so scared of what he was going to do to me. At some point my friend called on the phone. He answered and gave me a menacing look warning me to keep quiet. He told my friend I had left a long time ago and he didn't know where I had gone. He hung up the phone and told me "Now no one knows you're here. I could do anything I want, I could even kill you and no one would know how to find you." I was shaking badly terrified more than I'd ever been in my life. He got me partially undressed and attempted to sodomize me. I screamed in pain and began sobbing which only seemed to fuel him. He left the room to find something. When he came back I was still there shaking and crying scared to move. He told me to get dressed and get out. Before I left he jammed his hand into me and told me if I said anything to anyone no one would believe me so just keep my mouth shut. I ran home crying the whole way. I showered trying to remove the stain of what had happened from me. It was my fault. It was my own fault. I felt shame, fear, disgust, hatred of myself for being so stupid.
The next day at school my friend came and found me and asked me what happened. His words of warning echoed in my head. I tried to speak but words wouldn't come. I shook my head at her. She kept asking and I could feel my resolve breaking. What could I tell her? I was ashamed I was scared. Finally as we reached class I broke. I told her what happened. She looked at me stunned. I started crying nonstop. She dragged me out of class and to the principal's office. She told them what I had told her and they called the police. An officer came and took a statement. She told me I would have to go to the hospital and have a rape kit done. The school called my parents who showed up to support me. I didn't feel good. I was in pain both physically and mentally.
I cannot describe to you the pain and humiliation of a rape test kit. Of having your scalp and pubic hairs pulled out. Of various swabs and hearing "rectal trauma." They took my clothes from the previous day. All of it felt surreal, like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from.
Everything from here on out happened in a whirlwind. The DJ of course denied the allegations saying I was a gold digger out for money and to ruin his reputation. My friend's brother said he was going to ask around the entire school and find every boy I had ever slept with to prove I was a slut. My friend faced with her family siding with the DJ, turned against me. At home my dad couldn't look at me and wouldn't speak to me. My step-mother claimed the police told her I had made the story up and I was a lying manipulative bitch. To make matters worse the state's attorney's office refused to prosecute saying that since I didn't leave when he left the room the rape was essentially my fault. Never had I felt more pain, despair, disgust and humiliation. Only my rape counselor believed me but my step-mother refused to take me to sessions. It made me feel like had I just kept silent none of the misery I endured would've happened. The messed up thing was this man who had violated me was allowed to keep his reputation and his career while I was slut shamed made to feel like a lying whore out for money. After all this I sank into a deep depression that only years and years of therapy could undo.
So while others may celebrate the vindication of an innocent man, I cannot bring myself to be happy about this outcome. I've been the victim on the receiving end of the slut shaming and had my entire sexual history used against me. I know what it's like to not be believed and in the face of someone with power and money made out to be a fame and money seeking opportunist. Until you've been there you cannot know what it's like. You cannot know why keeping silent or coming forward will be met in the same terrible spirit crushing way. It's the burden and scar every rape survivor carries for life.
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