A Letter to 18 Year Old Me

Dear 18 year old Alice,

I know you're on top of the world now. You graduated high school (on time at that which no one thought so good for you) and you have a well paying job at the police department. Best of all you have your own apartment at just 18! Life is really good at the moment. Yes I know we went through some really rough times growing up, but it is nothing compared to these next stages you will endure. Life is about to change in ways you aren't ready for. I wish I could prevent some of them from happening, but alas I cannot. So I will do my best here to prepare you for the road ahead. 

First off she may seem mean and fiery as ever but in reality our step mother is dying. She hasn't told anyone just yet and you won't learn for a few more months yet just how bad it really is. She'll put up a fight for about a year and then she'll die. Your world will fall apart at this point. Everyone and everything in your life now will be gone. You will have unresolved anger issues that you will have to learn to work through but it is a lifelong battle. 

A few months later you will hear from your mom and will be happy yet confused. You will make plans to see her that summer but that will never happen. She too will die just 3 weeks after this call. You will feel the same sense of abandonment you felt as a child but worse because you know this time it is permanent. This loss will be one of the hardest for you to reconcile for your whole life. That fear of abandonment will never leave you and you will spend your whole life being afraid to let anyone get close to you. I wish I could take that away from you but it is a part of who I am now so I cannot. 

I know now you don't feel close to dad and while there is good reason for that, you will learn forgiveness and develop a love for him based on just your adult relationship with him. I know it's hard to imagine letting go of some of that childhood pain now, but eventually with lots of hard work, prescription drugs and therapy you do. Not all of it mind you, but enough that you can actually look back without tears. Dad will never be Heathcliff Huxtable, he's just who he is and who he isn't and someday you'll see that that's just fine. 

Oh Alice your 20s go by in a flurry. Your friends then won't be your friends later. Well except the few closest ones. They'll still be around though you won't be as close to them. But there will always be a love between you and you'll remain close in the heart like family. 

 You'll come into some money at 21. I wish I could tell you not to give it away, but being as that is our nature, you will. You'll never see it again. But you learn a valuable lesson and when you come into money later you won't repeat that mistake (but you do forget to tell the IRS and well..let's just say it takes a few years to clear all that up).

As far as men..sigh. You're going to date some terrible men in your 20s. Abusive mean cruel heartless selfish men who will take your kindness and need to be loved for granted. And when you do get fortunate to meet a good one, well then your own insecurities will manifest themselves and you will drive him away. That one you will always regret. But it'll be the catalyst needed for you to seek help and make changes in your life. 

You will do the whole sex drugs rock and roll. You'll club and party and meet some interesting people who will stay a part of your life for years to come.  

 In your late 20s one of these strange characters you meet will become your roommate and will remain so for more than a decade. I know it sounds crazy right? You the lone wolf who hates human contact will actually live with someone that long. It won't always be good or easy, some of it will downright suck, but you'll learn the most about yourself during this time. 

You will get into some interesting work in your late 20s that will last into your late 30s. You my dear will be involved in a taboo but perfectly legal industry where you will meet the wildest weirdest craziest sweetest people. You'll learn more than you ever wanted to know about a world you didn't want to know anything about. But you make money and you make friends and best of all you learn to accept and love yourself in a way you never have. I know right now as sad and insecure as you are it's hard to imagine that but it's true.

This new found confidence gives you the courage to finally attempt college. Yes Alice..you go to college! I know it's just barely a thought right now I mean high school sucked, but you'll realize that you can do anything if you just put your mind to it. And you flourish in college! You remember how much you loved books and learning as a little girl and you will take to studying like a bee to honey. You even finish your associates degree magna cum laude. Ha! It is one of the best experiences of your life. 

But Alice this high is followed by one of the lowest and worst times in your life. You my dear are going to battle breast cancer. You will feel sadder more heartbroken more anger pain sorrow heartache confusion hate than you have ever felt in your life. You will hate the person staring back in the mirror at you everyday. You will cry more tears than you ever have. You will become permanently infertile and will have to deal with what that will mean for your life and for men you date. You will have days where you are too sick too sad too alone too tired to even want to go on. But go on you will and you know what else? You will develop a love for your family that you never have before. Our family is still crazy as ever mind you, but during this time they show so much love support compassion and patience. Some of your friends will take it very hard and become distant but eventually they come around. Your roommate becomes your best friend at this time and he will be the one who gets you through some of the worst nights. Your co-workers though are the most amazing. They will be the most supportive and understanding. They will sacrifice paid leave, fill in when you get sick at work and give you all the hugs and support you need (and you need a lot). In the end you will win the fight against cancer and will spend the rest of your life raising awareness and participating in cancer walks all across the country. You will change. The person you were before cancer will be gone forever. You will be stronger tougher braver more fearless more determined and focus. Yes you Alice will finally be confident!

Just a few months later Alice you will go away to college. You who has never lived in another state will go to college in Tennessee. It is the craziest but best decision you will make. It'll be weird because you'll be older than all of your classmates and even some of your professors but you will make some extraordinary friends. You will become close to a family that is not your own by blood but becomes your family by bond. They will make the lonely days in Tennessee bearable. You will have some of the most interesting experiences and learn more than you ever imagined. College life is good even if it gets lonely sometimes. Best of all you get your bachelors degree. Yes you are now college educated. It took you a long time to get here but it'll be the best experience of your life. Walking across that stage will be the culmination of so many things. You will have grown and learned and changed so much. 

Now Alice I won't get into everything else but you will experience a lot more ups and downs. You will experience homelessness unemployment bankruptcy illness loss and death. You will go through some terrible lows but you will be blessed with some amazing highs. 

Did I mention we move to California? I know we dreamed about it as a little girl, but now we actually live here and we're happy. Life isn't perfect; we still experience heartache and sadness, but the good days the beautiful days the great days far outweigh the sad ones. 

You are a fighter now Alice a warrior a believer in yourself and your place in this crazy world. This may all seem a million years from now, but the years past faster than you realize. I know all I told you seems unbelievable and crazy but I promise you it's all true. If I can impart any knowledge to you it is this, never stop believing in yourself. Never lose hope, never lose faith. Above all love yourself. When no one else is there it'll be the love for yourself that will get you through. 

Good luck and God bless!

Love,
44 year old Alice 

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